Archive for January, 2008

Walla Walla Family Attacked by Killer Squirrels

Saturday, January 12th, 2008

Story by: Ratk Iller
Walla Walla, Washington 1/11/2008

Squirrels, sneaking in under the cover created by a small wind storm in Walla Walla, Washington, attacked the home of world famous varmint hunter, Squirrel Sniper, on Friday, January 4, 2008.

According to Squirrel Sniper, “the squirrels were riding the wind baby. Pelting the house with acorns, pine cones and their furry little bodies. They attacked today”, he said, “because the wind gave them the added oomph they needed to hit my house with projectiles from their nests in the pine trees out back, which they can’t usually do because they are” and I quote, “too weak and stupid to hit the house on a good day”.

Debris in yard after thousands of squirrels started throwing pine cones during Walla Walla wind storm.

After throwing things at the house for about an hour, they upped the ante around 10:00 a.m., and started to run from one side of a large pine to another, thereby getting it swaying in the breeze. The tree eventually snapped off, causing 50′ of pine tree to breach the “no-man’s land” between the trees and SS’s house, creating a bridge to Squirrel Sniper’s roof.

Tree on house in Walla Walla after squirrel storm.

Squirrels knocked down trees, then used them as a bridge to storm the house.

“The damn squirrels just poured in,” said Squirrel Sniper, “they was all over the place, chewing holes in my roof and soffits, trashing my lawn furniture and gazebo, and they even went so far as to break my BBQ, smash my wife’s flower pots and crush my son’s electric motorcycle. These animals were… well, animals. I went for my gun, but didn’t know what to do once I had it. I couldn’t open the door and let them in, and I didn’t want to just shoot through the side of the house or roof, since it was lookin to rain.”

Squirrels that attacked the house during the wind storm tore holes in the roof and soffets.

During the wind storm, squirrels knocked down trees and then tried to enter though holes in the roof.

According to Mr. Sniper, the squirrels chewed through the phone line and cut off access to 911 just prior to taking out the trees. Once the trees went down, making a bridge to the roof, the squirrels were all over the house in seconds, like flies on a squirrel carcass.

You can see where the phone line is down in the left of this picture.
another picture of the downed phone line that almost doomed Walla Walla family during wind storm.

“The Misses and little-uns were huddled in the kitchen crying and carryin on after the tree hit the house, and you could hear the critters a clawin and a chawin on the house trying to get to us,” Said Squirrel Sniper. “It looked like they was going to get us, so we headed for the bunker in the basement. We got the vault door togged down just as the first squirrels breached the ceiling in the living room up stairs.”

“It was terrifying”, sniffled Mrs. Sniper, as she sat in the corner rocking her children. “Them squirrels was a makin a racket, howlin and scratchin at the door to get us, when the National Guard showed up. You shoulda heard the shootin and screamin goin on, It’s going to take weeks to get the blood off the floor and the fur out of the light fixtures. I just feel glad the whole thing is over and sad about those National Guard boys who didn’t make it; they sure was brave.”

Mr. sniper also thanked the National Guard for saving his family and vowed to take the fight back to the squirrels once he and his family are back on their feet. For those who want to help out, Remington 223 ballistic tip ammunition and 17HMR ballistic tip ammo can be sent to Squirrel Sniper’s non-profit educational program REDNECKS ( Reeducate Every Dumbass liberal, we Need Even City dudes Killin Squirrels).

Seeing the way this American family fought back against superior odds, cunning and intellect, it makes me proud to be an American (and ashamed of our national education system).

Ratk Iller

I Married A Killer

Thursday, January 3rd, 2008

I was working on a bunch of phone websites today (did you guys know I’m a web nerd and do this crap for a living?), and my wife came down into the dungeon and said she was going to take the dog to the vet and pick up the kids from school.

I mumbled something appropriate like, “whatever”, and off she went.

2 minutes later, she calls me on my cellphone and yells “I killed a squirrel”!

“OK, good for you”, I say.

She’s like, “no, really, it ran under the van a couple of blocks from the house, over by the park, and it’s squished”!

“So pull over and get a picture, you know that a dead squirrel is the best kind of squirrel”, I tell her, “and I can put the picture on the website and write off your counseling as work related”.

“This isn’t funny A**hole, It’s gross, and for that remark you can come down here and take your own damn picture”.

“Oh com’mon, it’s funny and you know it. You’re just grossed out because you weren’t expecting it. It happened to me when I whacked that one on the way to school the other day, remember?”

“OK, your forgiven, but it’s still gross.”

“Give me a break, at least I’ve never been rat stomping after a kegger. You can’t tell me running over a stupid squirrel in your van is more gross than stomping rats in a wheat field half drunk off your ass.”


She must have been too traumatized to finish the conversation. LOL

My wife has always been a rat killer. Now she’s a squirrel killer too. Welcome to the club…