ShootingSquirrels.com

Story by: Ratk Iller
Walla Walla, Washington 1/11/2008

Squirrels, sneaking in under the cover created by a small wind storm in Walla Walla, Washington, attacked the home of world famous varmint hunter, Squirrel Sniper, on Friday, January 4, 2008.

According to Squirrel Sniper, “the squirrels were riding the wind baby. Pelting the house with acorns, pine cones and their furry little bodies. They attacked today”, he said, “because the wind gave them the added oomph they needed to hit my house with projectiles from their nests in the pine trees out back, which they can’t usually do because they are” and I quote, “too weak and stupid to hit the house on a good day”.

After throwing things at the house for about an hour, they upped the ante around 10:00 a.m., and started to run from one side of a large pine to another, thereby getting it swaying in the breeze. The tree eventually snapped off, causing 50′ of pine tree to breach the “no-man’s land” between the trees and SS’s house, creating a bridge to Squirrel Sniper’s roof.

“The damn squirrels just poured in,” said Squirrel Sniper, “they was all over the place, chewing holes in my roof and soffits, trashing my lawn furniture and gazebo, and they even went so far as to break my BBQ, smash my wife’s flower pots and crush my son’s electric motorcycle. These animals were… well, animals. I went for my gun, but didn’t know what to do once I had it. I couldn’t open the door and let them in, and I didn’t want to just shoot through the side of the house or roof, since it was lookin to rain.”

According to Mr. Sniper, the squirrels chewed through the phone line and cut off access to 911 just prior to taking out the trees. Once the trees went down, making a bridge to the roof, the squirrels were all over the house in seconds, like flies on a squirrel carcass.

You can see where the phone line is down in the left of this picture.

“The Misses and little-uns were huddled in the kitchen crying and carryin on after the tree hit the house, and you could hear the critters a clawin and a chawin on the house trying to get to us,” Said Squirrel Sniper. “It looked like they was going to get us, so we headed for the bunker in the basement. We got the vault door togged down just as the first squirrels breached the ceiling in the living room up stairs.”

“It was terrifying”, sniffled Mrs. Sniper, as she sat in the corner rocking her children. “Them squirrels was a makin a racket, howlin and scratchin at the door to get us, when the National Guard showed up. You shoulda heard the shootin and screamin goin on, It’s going to take weeks to get the blood off the floor and the fur out of the light fixtures. I just feel glad the whole thing is over and sad about those National Guard boys who didn’t make it; they sure was brave.”

Mr. sniper also thanked the National Guard for saving his family and vowed to take the fight back to the squirrels once he and his family are back on their feet. For those who want to help out, Remington 223 ballistic tip ammunition and 17HMR ballistic tip ammo can be sent to Squirrel Sniper’s non-profit educational program REDNECKS ( Reeducate Every Dumbass liberal, we Need Even City dudes Killin Squirrels).

Seeing the way this American family fought back against superior odds, cunning and intellect, it makes me proud to be an American (and ashamed of our national education system).

Ratk Iller

My wife called me the other morning, after I posted the “God Hates Squirrels too” post and told me that another squirrel was squashed flat on top of the other one. (A little overlapping.)

She’s like, Ohhhhhh, it was loving it’s mate.

I told her, “UH, NO! It was having a snack!” Which of course is disgusting but true, “Squirrels eat Squirrels”.

I’m not really sure why people don’t believe that squirrels eat each other; cause they do. When squirrel shooting, you can pop a squirrel out in the open, and then wait and shoot the squirrels that come to feed on it’s carcass. (Unless their just collecting it’s nuts… eweee. LOL)

Have any of you squirrel hunters ever wanted to talk to your friends while you were shooting squirrels; if for no other reason than to just rub it in? But you couldn’t talk on the phone and shoot at the same time? Well, now you can, and it’s cheap!

The guy (me, LOL) over at HandsFreeBluetoothHeadset.com is selling hands free bluetooth headsets that work with any cell phone. And, the price is crazy cheap… Only $3.99 plus $2.00 shipping and handling.

So, if you need to get a gift for someone for Christmas, a birthday or just because you love them, you need to head over there and check it out.

(This is funnier than crap and you need to send the link to everyone you know. LOL)

So, as of yesterday, I’m no longer a criminal. I bet you thought I was an upstanding middle aged guy without a criminal record didn’t you? But, up until yesterday, according to the state of Washington, I was a criminal.

I bet you’re dying to hear how I became a criminal, then got my record expunged, aren’t you?

Well, sit right back and I’ll tell the tail, the tail of a fateful trip. The story of a fateful voyage aboard a tiny ship. (Yes, I know tail should really be spelled tale.)

It wasn’t really a ship, it was a pickup truck, and there were only 2 of us, not 7, but you get the picture. Right?
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OK, some stuff just makes you laugh, especially when it’s first thing in the morning and has to do with wiener dogs. Frankie, over at VegPlot has a dilemma. The squirrels are eating his
Chestnuts, and his wife says she’ll divorce him if he gets a wiener dog, which Wikipedia says is the King of Squirrel Dogs. LOL

Of course, if you read the Wikipedia post, it looks like the wiener dog is actually the meat of choice.

Squirrels can often become prey to different dogs that have the speed and agility to catch them. Dachshunds are among some of these. Its light red or pink flesh has only a slight game taste.

So, Frankie is asking for other suggestions for a squirrel dog, instead of a, as he puts it, sausage dog…

My vote, of course, would be to make his wife chase the squirrels until she let him have his weenie dog. It’s hard to be depressed when you own something that’s so goofy looking that it makes you laugh just to look at it.

I love the government! No, really. (sarcasm) They are there to protect us from all the dangers that lurk in the dark and to tell us of the dangers before we can hurt ourselves. You know what I’m talking about, you’ve all seen it in action, the “Smoking Will Kill You” stickers, the “Don’t Dry Your Hair In The Tub” labels on electric hair dryers and other such crap. Why just the other day I saw a sign that said the road was “Slippery When Wet”. WOW, I didn’t know that.

But, there is another side to your friendly, “We Just Want To Protect You”, government. These are the losers that work for the Wildlife branches of government. Here are a couple of examples of what I’m talking about:

I grew up in Oregon and have been to Alaska, Canada, and every other Western state. I hunt and fish, camp in the woods and spent 3 years logging fresh out of high school. During that time, I’ve seen a ton of wildlife, including bear, dear, elk, coyote, raccoon, skunk and wolf. I added wolf in there because I saw one running down the road this year 6 miles outside Unity, Oregon. It was a big grey wolf and spent at least 10 seconds running 10 yards down the road in front of The Verminator’s truck, in which I was a passenger.

Now, I mentioned that I’ve seen coyote and bears, just so that you know, that I know, what they look like. Well, when I emailed the Oregon Department of Whatever, that is tracking the Grey Wolf migration from Idaho into Oregon, they said, “It must have been a coyote”. Did I mention that I’ve seen a coyote before? Lots of them? Well, I got pissed off, and called him, and told him I’ve lived here my whole life and wasn’t from New York. At that point, I finally got him to listen to me, but it was like pulling teeth and I never heard back from him or any of his fellow government employees.

On that note, I’ll lead into the reason I’m writing this, and that is because the same idiots who work for the Oregon State Department of Wolf Watching or Whatever, also work in Connecticut. Read this story posted by Bob Rich about how he saw a Cougar in the Roraback WMA of Connecticut, and talked to a guy who ran into a pack of coyotes the week before, but the idiot DEP biologist he talked to blew the whole thing off, even though the area is used by families with small children.

The reason I’m posting this is because, as squirrel hunters, we need to remember we aren’t the only “THINGS” hunting in the woods and fields. Just because you haven’t heard about the 22 mountain lions that live where you’re hunting, and your local government says there isn’t anything in the woods to be afraid of, doesn’t mean you don’t need to be prepared for the wolves, mountain lions and bears before they decide to snack on you while your hunting. In other words, “BE PREPARED PEOPLE”, even if you think it’s not going to happen to you.

SquirrelSniper

It’s a rough life, but someone has to laze around smoking, drinking, eating Twinkies and drinking beer while hunting and fishing. OK, I don’t drink when I’m hunting, but I’ve been knows to pop a top or two when it comes to fishing. In other words I’m a bad example of a human being, but who would you have point at, and tell your kids not to be like, if there weren’t people like me around.

The reason I bring up hunting and fishing is because that’s what I’m doing tomorrow. Earlier today I was sitting in front of my computer minding my own business, when God spoke to me.

No, really, he spoke to me. He said “You better go kill some squirrels tomorrow, the season is about over.” I looked at my calendar to see what I needed to do tomorrow, and the date leaped off the page at me and grabbed me by the throat. Holy crap, it’s almost the end of July, tomorrow might be too late.

The ground squirrels around here tend to start hibernating sometime around the end of July, if I’m not quick, I may not get any more this year. So, I called up this guy I know, who likes to shoot squirrels from time to time, and asked him if he was willing to go? He said “yea, but we better take our fishing poles.” (The fishing poles are just in case we don’t see any squirrel; parish the thought!)

I’m not sure about the fishing thing, even though I do like to fish. The problem is, I don’t feel like paying $60.00 or more for an Oregon fishing license when I’m only going to drown a couple of worms in the whole year. I could go to the store and pick up 10 pounds of Salmon for that kind of money, and I’ve never eaten 10 pounds of Salmon in my life, let alone a year.

So, I’m going squirrel hunting, maybe fishing, tomorrow. Maybe I’ll just shoot fish with my 17 hmr, that way I can tell the Game Warden I’m hunting, so I don’t need a fishing license. Do you think that will work, or am I going to wish I’d paid the $60.00?

SquirrelSniper

I was reading though the squirrel mail this morning and saw a post on a Wildlife Rehabilitation website about some poor squirrel that got shot with a shotgun and couldn’t be transported to their facility in time, so the local animal control officer who was called to the scene had to dispatch it. Whatever, I’m sure he was like “cool, I get to shoot something this morning”. The article then goes on to talk about how this is a life lesson and how we should learn by other’s mistakes and not shoot wildlife.

I’m all about learning from other’s mistakes, especially when it’s a hunting story, but all I get out of this is that you need to spend more time target practicing so you don’t miss. I mean, come on, who the heck misses with a shotgun? And if you do just wound it, don’t make it suffer, shoot it again and again and again until it’s dead. And, if you run out of ammunition, a shotgun makes a really good club. End of lesson. (more…)