Squirrel Sniper: No Longer A Criminal!

So, as of yesterday, I’m no longer a criminal. I bet you thought I was an upstanding middle aged guy without a criminal record didn’t you? But, up until yesterday, according to the state of Washington, I was a criminal.

I bet you’re dying to hear how I became a criminal, then got my record expunged, aren’t you?

Well, sit right back and I’ll tell the tail, the tail of a fateful trip. The story of a fateful voyage aboard a tiny ship. (Yes, I know tail should really be spelled tale.)

It wasn’t really a ship, it was a pickup truck, and there were only 2 of us, not 7, but you get the picture. Right?

Last year, I went dear hunting with a friend in Columbia County, Washington. We met at his house early, and got everything ready to go. We checked the rifles we were going to use, loaded the magazines and put them in the guns. We then loaded the guns into their cases and put them on the backseat of his pickup truck. It was a chilly day, and we had the important stuff in the truck, mainly the guns, so we just threw the rest of our gear together and tossed it into the back seat on top of the gun cases.

About two hours later, when we were driving around up in the mountains, looking for a likely place to hunt, we saw a Sheriff’s truck coming towards us. I told my friend to stop him and see if the Sheriff could point us towards a good place to hunt, since the area was new to us. Well, he got out and visited with us and said that he was looking for two guys that had been reported poaching and asked us if we had seen anyone else. We said no, and started to drive away when he stopped us and asked us if he could check our rifles.

OK, of course we were idiots and said sure. We hadn’t used them that day, and so we new we hadn’t done anything wrong, so we figured “What the heck”. They say criminals are stupid, and that is a proven fact in my case at least. You don’t ever have to let a cop search your car if he asks. Next time this happens, I’m not only going to say “no”, I’m going to say “HELL NO”!

So we get out of the truck (here’s the good part) and pull our gun cases from under our pile of coats, coolers, coffee thermoses and other assorted crap. We then open up the gun cases and extract our rifles. I’m shooting an AR-10 in .308 with some monster scope and bi-pod on it. I take out the clip, check to make sure the action is empty by cycling it and locking it open, then I hand him the rifle.

Then he goes around the truck and checks my friend’s rifle. My friend takes the clip out, and opens the bolt and hands the cop the gun. The cop checks it out and hands it back and says, “wow, you guys have two of the nicest rifles I’ve ever seen.”

You know what the Fu*cker did next? He said that having a loaded clip in your rifle while driving was against the law, and asked for our drivers licenses. We’re like, “What”? So he says that it’s against the law in Washington to transport a loaded rifle in a vehicle. He then went on to say that just the month before, a cop had been killed in Walla Walla when a hunter pulled his rifle out of the truck and it went off and killed the cop.

Well, if the cop hadn’t been asking guys with guns to get their guns out and show them to him, he would still be alive. Who the hell would go up to a truck full of guys with guns and say, “hey, show me your guns”? Doing that puts weapons in the hands of people you don’t know. Seriously, who the hell would do that? Ever?

So the Sheriff goes back to his truck and writes us each a ticket for criminal something or another. I don’t remember exactly what it said, but the word “Criminal” was on my ticket, along with like a $300.00 fine. I was so pissed off I wanted to get my rifle back out and show him what probably really happened to the cop in Walla Walla. I mean seriously, $300 each, and a criminal record? Bullsh*t!

The thing that really, really pissed me off was the fact that we were only a couple of miles from Oregon where I grew up and had done all of my hunting up to that point. And, in Oregon, you can drive around with the gun loaded, and with a round in the chamber, without getting in trouble. But, just drive over the line, and you’re a fricken criminal. AAAAhhhhhhhhhh!

I told the cop that this was a bunch of crap. And asked him why he was doing this to us? He said it was to stop road hunters, and that having a loaded weapon at hand while driving was really dangerous etc… Talk about a load of crap, he must have just needed to fill a quota or something. I mean, how the hell could we have been road hunting when we had to get out of the truck, open the back doors, unload our rifle cases from under ten tons of crap and then unlock them and hand him the damn rifles. Talk about chicken shit.

We then loaded our crap back up, took our $600 worth of tickets, and left.

The next day, my friend calls the District Attorney in Columbia County and asks if she will drop the charges against him. He told her that he has a concealed weapons permit, so there shouldn’t be any problems. Right? Wrong. In Washington state, it’s a concealed pistol permit, not a concealed weapons permit.

So, according to the laws in question, the state of Washington feels that my friend is safe walking around with a set of .45 caliber pistols strapped under his arms, but he can’t be trusted to transport a rifle with a loaded magazine, inside a case, in the back seat of a truck, under a cooler and assorted other crap, on a Washington road. Seriously, how fricken stupid do you have to be to buy that line of reasoning.

But, all was not lost. The District Attorney was leaving office soon, and she said that if we didn’t have criminal records, she would be willing to give us deferment. In other words, I had to plea bargain to keep my pristine record. (And there isn’t anyone in the world, in their right mind, who wants to have a criminal weapons charge on their record in this day and age.)

We had to go to court in Dayton, Washington, and appear before the Judge, to get the deal. So, we took off work and were at the courthouse at 8am waiting for our trial. The District Attorney showed up and gave us the charges and our plea bargain and deferment papers to read and sign. We read them and signed them while the judge was handling the cases in front of ours.

It was actually pretty interesting, since I had never been to a real court before. What was weird was that most of the cases in front of ours were drug related. These were cases where 18 to 24 year old guys were being charged with possession, use, and in one case manufacturing Meth. The Judge didn’t say crap to these guys who were ruining their lives with drugs, but, when it came to the old guys with the loaded guns, it was a different story.

He was visibly pissed off when we stood up and the District Attorney said that we had a deal and would be doing deferment for a year, so that we could keep our records clean. The Judge sat their for at least 10 damn minutes and told us how dangerous we were, how it was lucky we hadn’t killed anyone, and that were we sure we didn’t just want to pay the fine and go home.

What? Why the hell would I want to pay the fine?

So, he tells us that if we do the agreement, and anything weapons related happens to us in the next 12 months, that we are at his mercy. In other words, when we sign the papers, it says we’re guilty. And then, if we get into trouble, we don’t get any trial, or defense, and go right into the sentencing phase. He pointed out that he would then give us the electric chair, hang us, or whatever the maximum sentence available to him was. He then asked us again if we were sure we wanted that, with the electric chair hanging over our heads and all?

The thing is, since we both figured that we had made it 40 years without doing anything criminal, or at least getting caught doing anything criminal, we decided that we would do the deal and see if we could last a whole year without gunning down some old people or holding up a liquor store. He gave us one last warning about the consequences of our actions, and we left. Damn that sucked.

Well, that all happened over a year ago, and according to the terms of my parole, I’m no longer a criminal. It was really tough not getting caught shooting people, or robbing grocery stores and gas stations, but I did it. Without the training I received from the other parolees at our weekly parole meetings, I would have never been able to hone my natural criminal abilities to the fine degree that they are now at. I’m sure that without the meth guys showing me how to hide my guns, buy stuff with stolen credit cards and drive fast enough to ditch a cop car, I would have ended up in the electric chair, leaving my children fatherless. (Was that too dramatic?)


Squirrel “Ricky The Knife” Sniper
PS. The gun I was using was the other guys, so technically, if I’d been a snitch, I could have told the Judge they were both his guns and gotten off scot-free. But, since I ain’t no snitch, I manned up and did my time, securing my rep in the seamy underbelly of Walla Walla. LOL

7 Responses to “Squirrel Sniper: No Longer A Criminal!”

  1. MNsqrlHntr says:

    Sounds like the procedures you went through to show this officer your weapons would have been acceptable by the millitary, but not this jackass…

  2. Jonathan says:

    Well, I’m gald not to have to visit you in your prison cell. I can’t believe what an awful criminal you are. Next thing you know, you’ll be taking your elephant for a walk without cleaning up after him (which, by the way, is also still against the law in the state of Washington).

    Have fun huntin’ squirrels!

  3. LOL

    You’re a dork, Jonathan, but I suppose that’s why I like you.


  4. greytooth says:

    I don’t like it when my comments are not posted! I went hunting last week with mittens-on-a-string. (The kind that your mom would make you wear as a kid so you woul not lose one of them.)

    1. Use extra long string between the mittens
    2. Place mitten at base of tree with other mitten on your hand.
    3. Put peanut in the mitten that is under the tree
    4. Hide in bush and wait (A small bottle of whisky helps pass the time)
    5. Squirrel climbs inside mitten to get peanut
    6. Jump up and pull hard, swinging mittened hand through air, banging the other mitten with the squirrel in it against the tree.
    7. That’s it. Simple and effective hunting.
    Note: If anyone yells at you while using this method (in the park), this device can second as a slingshot, launching the squirrel at anyone who may be coming at you. Run.

    Greytooth’s Effective Squirrel Hunting Techniques: #1

  5. You’re weird!

    Of course that just makes you fit in that much better. If you would like to post more hunting tips, send them to me and I will put them up as posts, instead of comments, under your own byline Greytooth.

  6. [...] Greytooth posted some nonsense or another on the site yesterday, and I deleted it. He got angry and called me on it today and posted one of his many stupid squirrel hunting tactics under my Squirrel Sniper Criminal Story. So, I’m going to start posting his stupid squirrel hunting tactics on the main site and let people see just how dumb the old coot really is. Here’s his latest stupid squirrel hunting tactic, copied from his comment on my criminal history post. [...]

  7. ObiJohn says:

    Categorizing an unloaded firearm as loaded when it has an empty chamber but a loaded detachable magazine inserted into the firearm is the result of a criminal case that a police officer friend of mine was involved in… in his case the people he arrested were felons in possession and this was yet another charge filed against them.

    If the magazines had been in the cases besides the rifles, you’d have been okay. Or, if you had been in another state, maybe okay. Note that many states are using WA’s case law as precedence.

    It does suck, though. The primary lesson is, while cops aren’t your enemy, they aren’t really your friends, either. Know your rights, and realize that most people get in trouble with the law over stupid stuff by cooperating.

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